Tuesday, June 26, 2012

GER vs. ITA - who should I support?

With the founding nation of our country being eliminated from the Euros it’s time to evaluate which nations we should support in the semi-finals.  Let’s look at the match between Germany and Italy.  Now if you asked me, deciding between these two teams is like deciding which testicle you would like to have removed.  If I have to lose one testicle I don’t want to mess this up.  So let me make a few comparisons about these two countries and hopefully at the end I’ll have made a reasonable decision which all Canadians can live by.  

Using a tennis analogy, here we go....

Let’s start with something simple...cars.  Germany provides the world with some of the most popular and reliable vehicles you can find.  VW, Porsche, Mercedes Benz and BMW to name a few.  On the other hand Italy gives us the Ferrari, Lamborghini and Maserati. Very close. Point ITA.

Advantage ITA

Alcohol consumption is big in both nations.  The Germans hold steady with the 2nd highest per capita beer consumption in the world.  The Italians, on the other hand, rank 4th in the world for per capita wine consumption.  Let’s be honest, beer is a man’s drink.  Wine is for stuffy people who put way too much time considering the importance of a grape.  Point GER.

Deuce

Women.  Arguing about how hot the hottest women are is just comparing apples to apples so let’s focus on the middle of the pack and we’ll be done in a second.  German women have hairy bodies, Italian women have hairy faces.  You can pick your own poison but if you had to eat a piece of crap would you want a small piece or a big one?  Less is more....Point ITA.

Advantage ITA

Most famous person in history.  Now the Germans will tell you that Hitler was Austrian and the Italians would rather claim the cast of Jersey Shore as their own rather than Mussolini but these two sit at the top of their respective lists.  Although Hitler was a great orator, he was also responsible for starting a war that led 60,000,000 people to their deaths.  Mussolini was a comparably pathetic dictator but a dictator nonetheless.  Both of these countries need to drop and give me 10 for their contributions here and when you’re done you can start running towards that cliff without stopping for anything.  Clearly no winner....Re-serve.

Still Ad ITA

Ahhh....fashion, this should be easy.  Man Capris, Lederhosen, Pink Jeans, Leather pants, speedos.  I just puked in my mouth.  Foot fault...Re-serve.

Still Ad ITA


Toughness.  The Italians have a great history of toughness with the gladiator battles of centuries past.  Unfortunately the Italians only contributed the arena and the audience.  They imported their gladiators from other regions.  We’ve all watched Gladiator.  The toughest one of the group was known as the “Spaniard” (how does that work?) and the next toughest guy came from Germania.  Sorry ‘bout that ITA...point GER.

Deuce

Language.  Lucky for them, both of these nations are still at liberty to speak their native language even after being chased back into their caves to end WWII.  The Italian language by itself isn’t much but they have managed to add an unofficial and spastic form of sign language to go along with their speech which adds a bit of character.  On the contrary, even the happiest German conversation sounds like the type of scolding you would get if you accidentally launched a nuclear weapon at an ally.  Point ITA.

Ad ITA

Let’s turn to the pitch. Both teams try to win by boring you to sleep and then pouncing so let’s look elsewhere.  At this point a German player could probably pull off one of the most legendary dives that the sport has ever seen and he still would not have done enough to wrestle the “Worst Divers in the World” title away from the Italians.  Furthermore, a celebration from an Italian league goal saw a player bite the goal scorers dick....WTF?  Point GER.

Deuce

Head of State.  The Italian leader is called the Prime Minister.  The German leader is called the Chancellor.  Ummm...Chancellor.  Really?  Good call.  Point ITA.


Ad ITA

Food.  The Italians have given us spaghetti and pizza while the Germans counter with giant sausage. I don’t eat meat much less when it’s shaped like a dick.  Point ITA

Game, Set, Match.  There you have it. As much as it pains me to pick a team, Italy has earned my support and I think I’ve made a great case for you to support them too.

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