GER vs. ITA - who should I support?

With the founding nation of our country being eliminated from the Euros it’s time to evaluate which nations we should support in the semi-finals.  Let’s look at the match between Germany and Italy.  Now if you asked me, deciding between these two teams is like deciding which testicle you would like to have removed.  If I have to lose one testicle I don’t want to mess this up.  So let me make a few comparisons about these two countries and hopefully at the end I’ll have made a reasonable decision which all Canadians can live by.  

Using a tennis analogy, here we go....

Let’s start with something simple...cars.  Germany provides the world with some of the most popular and reliable vehicles you can find.  VW, Porsche, Mercedes Benz and BMW to name a few.  On the other hand Italy gives us the Ferrari, Lamborghini and Maserati. Very close. Point ITA.

Advantage ITA

Alcohol consumption is big in both nations.  The Germans hold steady with the 2nd highest per capita beer consumption in the world.  The Italians, on the other hand, rank 4th in the world for per capita wine consumption.  Let’s be honest, beer is a man’s drink.  Wine is for stuffy people who put way too much time considering the importance of a grape.  Point GER.

Deuce

Women.  Arguing about how hot the hottest women are is just comparing apples to apples so let’s focus on the middle of the pack and we’ll be done in a second.  German women have hairy bodies, Italian women have hairy faces.  You can pick your own poison but if you had to eat a piece of crap would you want a small piece or a big one?  Less is more....Point ITA.

Advantage ITA

Most famous person in history.  Now the Germans will tell you that Hitler was Austrian and the Italians would rather claim the cast of Jersey Shore as their own rather than Mussolini but these two sit at the top of their respective lists.  Although Hitler was a great orator, he was also responsible for starting a war that led 60,000,000 people to their deaths.  Mussolini was a comparably pathetic dictator but a dictator nonetheless.  Both of these countries need to drop and give me 10 for their contributions here and when you’re done you can start running towards that cliff without stopping for anything.  Clearly no winner....Re-serve.

Still Ad ITA

Ahhh....fashion, this should be easy.  Man Capris, Lederhosen, Pink Jeans, Leather pants, speedos.  I just puked in my mouth.  Foot fault...Re-serve.

Still Ad ITA

Toughness.  The Italians have a great history of toughness with the gladiator battles of centuries past.  Unfortunately the Italians only contributed the arena and the audience.  They imported their gladiators from other regions.  We’ve all watched Gladiator.  The toughest one of the group was known as the “Spaniard” (how does that work?) and the next toughest guy came from Germania.  Sorry ‘bout that ITA...point GER.

Deuce

Language.  Lucky for them, both of these nations are still at liberty to speak their native language even after being chased back into their caves to end WWII.  The Italian language by itself isn’t much but they have managed to add an unofficial and spastic form of sign language to go along with their speech which adds a bit of character.  On the contrary, even the happiest German conversation sounds like the type of scolding you would get if you accidentally launched a nuclear weapon at an ally.  Point ITA.

Ad ITA

Let’s turn to the pitch. Both teams try to win by boring you to sleep and then pouncing so let’s look elsewhere.  At this point a German player could probably pull off one of the most legendary dives that the sport has ever seen and he still would not have done enough to wrestle the “Worst Divers in the World” title away from the Italians.  Furthermore, a celebration from an Italian league goal saw a player bite the goal scorers dick....WTF?  Point GER.

Deuce

Head of State.  The Italian leader is called the Prime Minister.  The German leader is called the Chancellor.  Ummm...Chancellor.  Really?  Good call.  Point ITA.


Ad ITA

Food.  The Italians have given us spaghetti and pizza while the Germans counter with giant sausage. I don’t eat meat much less when it’s shaped like a dick.  Point ITA

Game, Set, Match.  There you have it. As much as it pains me to pick a team, Italy has earned my support and I think I’ve made a great case for you to support them too.

A Canadian’s Rules for watching Euro 2012

Yeah, I know the tournament is done in a week but I felt it was necessary to share the rules with you.  It inevitably happens every couple of years.  An international event takes place and the people around me forget that they’re Canadian.  These are the same people who are conveniently Canadian when we’re hosting the Olympics or watching Steve Nash accept an MVP award in a league dominated by Americans.  So I’m here to help those lost souls and show them the light that is being Canadian.

There is only one rule:  A Canadian cannot and should not passionately cheer for a foreign country under any circumstances

Now let me break down this rule because I’m sure there are some questions.  Let’s look at the first part of the rule: A Canadian.  If you’re confused about whether or not you’re Canadian, check your passport.  If you happen to carry dual citizenship then you defer to the country you live in.  You should also grow a pair of balls and quit trying to identify yourself as a dual citizen.  That second passport is nothing more than a glorified Nexus card.  You live here, you work here (I hope), you pay taxes here and chances are you have family here.  If you live here and don’t carry a Canadian passport then you are exempt from this rule but you should also consider that it’s time to shit or get off the pot.  

The second part may have more confusion but it’s really quite simple.  You are considered a passionate supporter if you do any or all of the following:

• Purchase and/or wear an item of clothing in support of a foreign country.
• Take time off of work with the specific intent of watching said foreign country play
• This is even worse if you host your own party
• If you update your status on social network site with messages like “Go foreign country!”
• Do I even need to mention that writing said message in a foreign language is exponentially worse?
• While conversing about the game you refer to a foreign country as ‘we’
• You own and display a flag on your car
• You’re a face painter
• This makes you a loser on so many levels

If you are a violator of this rule then you’re probably frothing at the mouth at the realization that you are essentially a treasonous piece of crap.  I can just picture you yelling at the screen with such well thought out arguments along the lines of “My parents came from there!” or “My grandparents came from there!” or maybe even “I was born there!”.  Well to all of those comments I say “Who Cares”?  If your parents came FROM there then surely they left for a reason.  The reason was to find a better life...away from where they came.  If your grandparents came from there and that’s your reasoning behind being a passionate supporter then you are even more pathetic than I first thought.  If you were born there and you forgot why you left then you might be too dumb to understand when I say that you should probably head on back to where you long to be.  I promise you that we’ll be just fine without you.  If you want to honour your heritage then build a family tree and hang it on your wall.  Forgive me if you’re reading this and you’re under the age of 18 with dreams of leaving Canada the day you become an adult.  In fact, I’d probably respect you more.  Let’s be honest here.  Instead of celebrating the idea of not being Canadian, it’s time that all of you violaters (ear muffs here for the young ones) cup Canada’s balls and collectively stroke the shaft of the country that has given you the opportunity to be the person you are today.  

Let me be clear here, it’s perfectly fine to enjoy watching these games and perhaps even pull for ones of the teams you’re watching.  Hell, I even find myself routing for one team to win over another but I draw a clear line in the sand about where my national allegiance lies.