A Canadian’s Rules for watching Euro 2012

Yeah, I know the tournament is done in a week but I felt it was necessary to share the rules with you.  It inevitably happens every couple of years.  An international event takes place and the people around me forget that they’re Canadian.  These are the same people who are conveniently Canadian when we’re hosting the Olympics or watching Steve Nash accept an MVP award in a league dominated by Americans.  So I’m here to help those lost souls and show them the light that is being Canadian.

There is only one rule:  A Canadian cannot and should not passionately cheer for a foreign country under any circumstances

Now let me break down this rule because I’m sure there are some questions.  Let’s look at the first part of the rule: A Canadian.  If you’re confused about whether or not you’re Canadian, check your passport.  If you happen to carry dual citizenship then you defer to the country you live in.  You should also grow a pair of balls and quit trying to identify yourself as a dual citizen.  That second passport is nothing more than a glorified Nexus card.  You live here, you work here (I hope), you pay taxes here and chances are you have family here.  If you live here and don’t carry a Canadian passport then you are exempt from this rule but you should also consider that it’s time to shit or get off the pot.  

The second part may have more confusion but it’s really quite simple.  You are considered a passionate supporter if you do any or all of the following:

• Purchase and/or wear an item of clothing in support of a foreign country.
• Take time off of work with the specific intent of watching said foreign country play
• This is even worse if you host your own party
• If you update your status on social network site with messages like “Go foreign country!”
• Do I even need to mention that writing said message in a foreign language is exponentially worse?
• While conversing about the game you refer to a foreign country as ‘we’
• You own and display a flag on your car
• You’re a face painter
• This makes you a loser on so many levels

If you are a violator of this rule then you’re probably frothing at the mouth at the realization that you are essentially a treasonous piece of crap.  I can just picture you yelling at the screen with such well thought out arguments along the lines of “My parents came from there!” or “My grandparents came from there!” or maybe even “I was born there!”.  Well to all of those comments I say “Who Cares”?  If your parents came FROM there then surely they left for a reason.  The reason was to find a better life...away from where they came.  If your grandparents came from there and that’s your reasoning behind being a passionate supporter then you are even more pathetic than I first thought.  If you were born there and you forgot why you left then you might be too dumb to understand when I say that you should probably head on back to where you long to be.  I promise you that we’ll be just fine without you.  If you want to honour your heritage then build a family tree and hang it on your wall.  Forgive me if you’re reading this and you’re under the age of 18 with dreams of leaving Canada the day you become an adult.  In fact, I’d probably respect you more.  Let’s be honest here.  Instead of celebrating the idea of not being Canadian, it’s time that all of you violaters (ear muffs here for the young ones) cup Canada’s balls and collectively stroke the shaft of the country that has given you the opportunity to be the person you are today.  

Let me be clear here, it’s perfectly fine to enjoy watching these games and perhaps even pull for ones of the teams you’re watching.  Hell, I even find myself routing for one team to win over another but I draw a clear line in the sand about where my national allegiance lies.